Thinking back

In two days, my baby girl will be 9. It is hard to remember what life was like before her. Many of my friends know our struggles with getting Shelly here. Shelly being here is a total God thing. It all started in 1997 when Greg and I had the aching painful feeling of wanting a baby. Back then I said I walked right with Christ, but in all honestly, I only walked with Him when things went my way.

We tried to months, months led to a year. So I went to see my gynecologist and she referred me to a fertility specialist. After months of tests, it was determined that I could not ovulate. So, the next step was to pump me up full of pills to make me ovulate. In January of 1998 we found out that we were pregnant. Within a month, I was already showing and was very sick. I went in for an ultrasound and found out there were 3 strong heartbeats and possibly had a 4th, but was already dissolved. Immediately we were sent to a high rick specialist. At the time, I was only 90 pounds and was told through ultrasound that I had 1/4 of a cervix, for normal women, a normal cervix should be at least 1 inch of depth. Immediately we were told I would not carry and that I should abort immediately.

Again, my faith wasn't that great but I knew that an abortion was out of the question. So, we went along with the pregnancy knowing that we would not bring our babies home alive. Long about 16 weeks,we found out there were 2 girls and 1 boy, but again, did not plan for them. The more they grew, the more their personalities came out. Baby c, (which we thought was the boy) was so feisty and kicked for space all of the time.

Long about 22 weeks, my problems were getting worse and I was in and out of the hospital that whole week. We found out at that time that there were actually 3 girls and no boy.

Then at 23 weeks, I was rushed to a hospital about a hour 1/2 away because I had twin twin transfusion and I was in the beginning stages of labor and also had a deep uterine infection. I fought with all my might to keep my baby girls in. I was hanging upside down pumped up so full of drugs I don't even recall remembering my name. On June 3rd, 1998, Rose(baby a) died in utero. There was still hope though. They thought she would slide right out and my cervix would close ad I would keep the other 2 girls in for at least 1 more week. Unfortunately, that was not what God had in mind for us.. His plan was so much better, I just chose not to see it at the time.

Then at 5:00 am on June 4th, Racheal and Regan were born both just under 1 pound. I was so doped up on meds that I couldn't handle seeing them. My Mom, Greg, and my mother-in-law all choose to see them. Rose and Racheal looked just like Greg, and Regan looked just liked me (explains the fiestyness early on). By 10:00 am that same morning, I signed myself out and Greg drove me home. I was fine for the first month, but as the months went on, I liked to drink...really really liked to drink. I was drunk all of the time. All the while I was fat, and was so engorged that I had to pump milk everyday. Bitterness turned to anger. The deep rooted anger that became a thorn in our marriage. I hated Greg for seeing the girls. I hated him for betraying me. I hated the fact that he thought it was ok to move on as I was barley keeping up minute by minute. The truth was, I hated myself. I hated the pain that God caused us. Why?? What had I done wrong? I was the perfect pregnant Mom to be. Was this payback for my teenage years?

Through all of my anger and hatred, Greg had left, and I was alone. Where was my God? The truth was, as you already know the answer to this, He was there the whole time. He waited patiently for me to come back to Him. He loved me and wanted me to trust in Him whole-heartily. He wanted me to take delight in Him.

Remember when I said I was fat and still pumping? Also, I was drunk every night.... well on Thanksgiving of that same year, 1998, I was just feeling quite right but figured it was all of the drinking, no biggie. Well, by Christmas, I was back into my maternity clothes, but again just thought it was because of over indulging on the heavy drinks. Went to Target, no big deal.... bought a pregnancy test for no particular reason...for no reason at all, while talking to my Mom on the phone, peed on the stick...yup sure enough, that stick was bright pink before I was done going to the bathroom. Glad I was sitting down, because I would have fainted! I called Greg where he was staying and asked him to come over that I needed to talk to him.

On December 23rd. 1998, it was confirmed that I was pregnant with only 1 baby!!!! We went through pretty much the same routine as before with the exception that we did prepare! We found out that our baby was another girl and her name was going to be Rochelle Anne. We had an amazingly uneventful pregnancy. I got huge, mainly due to just coming off of a pregnancy. We figured I because pregnant within 6 weeks after having the girls. I had testing done on her because of all of my drinking and praise God she was totally a healthy baby.

Due to my cervical problems, we decided that I would need to deliver once she got to 5 pounds which was at 36 weeks. Everything was set to go for a June 25th delivery date.

We checked in on the morning of June 25th with all of our family and got word that I had group A strep and that Rochelle's lungs had been compromised. We needed to put me on bed rest and keep her in for as long as possible. They sent me home and by that night, I was in full labor with my water leaking all over the place. So, off we went.....

Rochelle was born at 5:04 om on June 26th weighting a tiny 5'10 and was very sick. Praise God that I had to idea how serious she was. She had an infection that threw her into respiratory distress and a blood disorder equivalent to Sickle Cell Anemia. That's right!!! With no African American heritage in us at all. I had no idea how sick she was and how close we came to loosing her. I believe God protected me from all of that. It was a long road for our girl. I was allowed to see her the next morning and the minute I saw her, the nurse said you must be Shelly's parents!! We were never going to call her Shelly. Never say never...God always has something else in mind when we say never. She was so tiny, so sick, and so beautiful. She looked just like her daddy. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on.

On July 19th, little Shelly came home with us!!! She has no lasting effects of her trauma and the Anemia disorder is poof. A total God thing. All gone!!!

Our tiny little girl is now 4'9, almost 80 pounds. You would never know her history.

I don't know if I was meant to be her Mom but I know she was meant to be in my life. Shelly is the image of Christ. She loves God with all of her little heart. Sad to say, she knows way more than I do about the bible. She was born to Glorify God and bring others to His Kingdom.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of life. Thank you for Shelly. I pray that I continue to raise her the way You would have me raise her. She is yours.